Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : allergic to the weather

Once upon a time, circa 2005, there was a woman (me) who went to an allergist.  

She was tested for so many allergens, she felt like a pin cushion.

The day she went back to the allergist, it was 99F with 1000% humidity outside — and she was feeling pretty d@%*$d good.

Minutes after walking into a zero humidity, 75F doctor’s office, she began to do this:

…but with no flowers, and she’s not that pretty.

The allergist asked, “Does this happen often?”

“Aaaachooo,” she replied, reaching for another tissue. “It’s friggin’ ccccold in hhhhere.”

“You don’t use air conditioning…in Florida?”  He asked. 

“No,” She replied, “I don’t like air conditioning.”

He smiled.  “At first, I thought the problem was in your head.”

“Cut off my head and there’s no problem,”  She replied.  “It’s all a pain in the brain and, therefore, everything is all in your head.”

He chuckled at her smart-ass answer.  “The only thing you tested positive for was an exotic fungus, but, Mrs. IthoughtYouWereCrazy, you are allergic to weather changes.”

She couldn’t wait to get out of there fast enough — and never returned.

Now that 6 months of summer is gone and that season between November and May we call FallWinterSpring, is coming to Florida again, the celestial bi-polar imbalance begins. 

In a nutshell, our heroine is seriously considering a craniectomy. 

Her head feels like it’s about to explode, Kleenex is her best friend, and Ibuprofen (along with her sister, Excedrin Migraine) have once again become second only to God.

Her brain wants to kill the vice grip squeezing at her temples, and pop the balloon that’s trying to expand inside her head.  In essence:

And she would like to take a moment to offer this comment to every air conditioning unit in existence:

(This might possibly be true IF SHE WEREN’T BORDERING ON COMATOSE).

Instead, she will have to settle on a meme that conveys her sentiment.

Is there a happy ending to this story?

Only if every environmentalist in the world throws their air conditioners out the window, learns to live with their environment instead of blaming the problem on everyone else, and the seasons never change on Earth.

But that’s will only happen when wars stop, the world is filled with unicorns, and the sky above me is never without a rainbow. 

You can’t make a movie without conflict, that’s boring, so she seriously doubts peace will happen until the universe implodes. 

AND

She fears that any unicorn living on Earth long enough will turn into this:

During the change of season, there is no happily ever after.  During summer, when she has to work in air conditioning, it’s bad…

but when mother nature has PMS, it’s brutal. 

I suppose she’ll just have to settle for knowing that her allergist didn’t write “histrionic” in his notes.