Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : The secret to human compliance

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Hello, this is the Tom Catty show, brought to you by Ed’s Famous Feline Catnip Concoction. One sip and you’ll forget your human is dumber than a dog. 
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Today’s special guest is Tiny Terror.
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Host: So, how did you get a name like that?
 
TT: By jumping on my human slave in the wee hours of the morning. I also excel at waiting until 2 dogs are side-by-side and then jumping on dog backs to start a fight.
 
Host *snickering*:  Why would you do that?
 
TT: Do what?
 
Host: Jump on your human.
 
TT: I was hungry. When I’m hungry, I pounce first, scratch second, and give her love nips.  If she doesn’t stir, I sink my claws into her neck.  Afterward, I lie on her stomach and purr.
 
Host: That seems an odd combination?
 
TT: Not really. The moment I curl up and purr, she doesn’t throw me across the room in her sleep.
 
Host: I’m told that you have 3 perpetual food bowls around the house at all times.
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TT: Dry pellets are NOT food, and beneath my standards.
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Host: Any cat worth a purr concurs! 
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TT:  Unless my human is dead, there’s no excuse for slacking off!
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Host: What do you do when you’re hungry and she’s already awake?
 
TT: That’s simple. During the day, she’s hypnotized by a huge monolith. I get between my human and that… that thing until she tries to push me to the side. Then, I grab her mouse hand with my claws.  After she screams,  I purr and pat her on the arm with my foot. When she says, “Awww,” I know she’s hooked! After she says that magic word, she zombies over to the canned food.  
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Host: What a pro? Do you have a book in the making?
 
TT: It’s called Human Ambivalence Training. You have to balance their desire to throw you across the room with the tremendous guilt they feel when you look up at them with tender eyes and purr. It truly is an art form.
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© Joelle LeGendre
Category : cats, humor
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