I like the Modern Philosopher’s Friday Think Tank and Jump Start Your Brain. Today’s “Jump Start” had so many questions they couldn’t be answered on a blog entry. Why? Because after 1 1/3 years as a blogger I’ve come to understand that it’s poor etiquette to write a reply that’s longer than a person’s blog.
How did I glean this insight? Because I don’t like it when someone writes a 3 page reply to my 400 word blog entry. Therefore it must be true.
BUT….I think it’s only fair that if I’m swiping an idea from another blogger, I should at least give the swipee credit for it:
For brevity, I’ll call the swipee “Austin” and I’ll call myself dumbass. No. It’s such a common name no one will know who I am. FB for FloridaBorne should do.
Austin: What’s the deal with Christmas creeping up on the calendar and acting like it begins immediately after Halloween?
FB: It didn’t. Really greedy shop owners get that award. I think it’s called the “Oh!Hell!” Prize. Didn’t Obama get that one last year. No? Maybe it was the year after Bush got his. Wasn’t Hester Prynee the first one to get the embroidered red cape? No? She received the “What you get when you keep your mouth shut instead of ratting on the hypocritical bastard who did this to you” award? I guess I just wasn’t thinking.
Austin: When did Christmas become so needy?
FB: That has to be my favorite question, and one filled with irony. I don’t remember Jesus telling us to go forth and shop. I do remember something about giving to the needy, though. Meaning seems to morph over the years. Just ask Hester.
Austin: Does it think it’s Alexander the Great and that it needs to conquer the entire known calendar? How soon until it wipes Thanksgiving completely off the calendar? Should we expect the last two months of the year to be melded into one 61 day Mega-Month known as Christember?
FB: Christmas can only conquer through love, hope and faith. Frankly, I’d like to see love, hope and faith take over the world. It would be an easy remedy to the greedy corporation problem. I would also like to see an extra month in between June and July. It could be called Estuary. Halloween couldn’t be on October 31 because there would be only 28 days each month. My BAID (But alas, I digress). Back to your questions.
Austin: Is anyone else annoyed with the way Christmas seems to be expanding? I love the Holiday, but don’t you agree it’s getting a little greedy?
FB: You’re not alone. Christmas isn’t happy with it, either. But as a spot on the calendar, all it can do is lay there and wait for someone with arms and legs to do something about it. To underscore how bad the situation is getting, Christmas sent proof. This was set up shortly after Halloween
Austin: Are you like me in that you need a little separation between Jack Skellington and Santa Claus? Hasn’t the world already seen the horrors that happen when they combine forces in “A Nightmare Before Christmas”?
FB: They’re probably too busy watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”
Austin: Why doesn’t Thanksgiving stand up for itself?
FB: There are too many turkeys in the way.
Austin: Did the Pilgrims use up all their fight when they set out for the New World? What would Myles Standish think of this outrage? Wouldn’t the Mayflower Mob want to fight the oppression of this new, even larger empire?
FB: They were too busy resorting to cannibalism the first year and fighting to get through the new world winter. If Native Americans had defended their borders better, we would be surrounded by lush forests, rivers wouldn’t have been rerouted for Dams and we’d all be dancing around campfires after killing, plucking, dressing and roasting a white man turkey in honor of the Pilgrims first dreadful winter.
Austin: How stupid do advertisers think we are?
FB: You really have to ask? Our legislators vote in 2000 page bills without reading them. Then voters vote them in for another term, go home and watch Dancing with Really Bad Actors on TV.
Austin: Do they really believe that if they just start running Christmas commercials in November, we’ll begin hanging our stockings by the chimney with care?
FB: In a word? Yes.
Austin: Do they assume we simply have a Pavlovian response to Christmas Carols?
FB: I associate Christmas Carols with the childhood feeling of wonder in an atmosphere of love. The lights in the department stores, the bus ride into the big city, riding around town to see the best Christmas lights before the strain shut down the electric grid. These were my favorite memories. My mom would give my sister and me money for the after Christmas sales. We’d go to the roof of Burdines, go on the roller coaster and other amusement park rides, then we would be told which sets of underwear to buy with our Christmas money. That sucks the materialism right out of you.
Austin: Why must they insist on turning Christmas into a two month sales event? Why do people play along with it?
FB: The answer in 3 ½ words is “Because we’re poor.” Unemployment, underemployment, costs going up, salaries going down, we can’t afford it any other time of the year so we buy the stuff when it’s cheap…er.
Austin: Why do they put up the Christmas decorations earlier each year? Why do they call radio stations to request Christmas songs before Thanksgiving? Why are they wandering around the malls like Christmas Zombies muttering “Sales…sales…sales…”?
FB: Like dumping any chemtrail you want to out of an airplane because there’s no law against it—Because they can.
Austin: Is anyone else with me on this, or am I simply the Grinch who wouldn’t let Christmas take over November?
FB: Rest easy, Austin. You’re not the Grinch. The majority of us are with you, buddy. We’ll start writing congress, right after we check out the Cyber Monday specials.