Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : UTI edition


ME:  Why?  Why God the Universe and Everything.  Why give me a UTI at this moment?

GUE:  People are dying from pneumonia, dysentery, cancer, stroke, and malaria, and you bother me about a urinary tract infection?  Take amoxicillin now, tonight and tomorrow morning and it will go away.

ME:  Great advice — if I didn’t have to go to urgent care and sit in the same waiting room with people who have different viruses and bacteria so that I can get a prescription.

GUE:  That is unfortunate.  

ME:  There are still cranberry gel capsules in my fridge, and I have enough Ibuprofen to kill a horse.

GUE:  I’ll not venture into the reasons why you may still get certain drugs over the counter and not others.  I’ll only say that when I gave you free will, it came with a price.

ME:  You’re going to abandon us when we need you the most?

GUE:  No.  I’m going to sit back and watch you try to solve your own problems until you kill yourselves off.

ME:  That’s about as comfortable as a mattress filled with porcupine quills.

GUE:  As your mother used to say, “You made your bed, you have to lie in it.”  

ME:  My, aren’t we cynical today?

GUE: Over 100,000 years ago, I made a bet with the reptilians that humans could handle free will, so they told the humans, “Grow your own apple trees,” and left your planet. Now they’re laughing at me.

ME:  Why?

GUE: You’re like a bunch of domestic dogs that follow your masters blindly.

ME:   And who are our masters?

GUE:  Most politicians.

ME: (hesitating to ask):  What was your bet?

GUE:  If I lose, they can go back to herding you like cattle again.  

ME:   A UTI does seem a bit petty when compared to this.  What can we do about it?

GUE:  Assassination is a good start. 

 ME:  Forget I asked you for anything.  I have 3 amoxicillin left over from two years ago.  That’s enough to get rid of the UTI.

GUE:  Want a piece of advice?

ME:  From the Gue that says we have free will and it means we’re on our own?

GUE (chuckling):  Next time you roll in the hay with your better half, make sure he’s bathed sometime during the week. 

ME (blushing): Noted.