Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : Pretentious

Just pretend for a moment that I’m the world’s leading authority on everything, and not an author who spends a great deal of time looking up every little detail as she writes.

Imagine I’m being interviewed for a prestigious magazine called Pretentious People (PP for short).

PP:  You have some rather, uh…interesting beliefs.  Why did you ask our editor, “Will the world ever be sane?”

Me:  What’s your name again?

PP (with a pretentious chuckle):  Winifred Royale.

Me: Well, Ms. Royale, anyone over the age of 5 is insane.

PP: Why would you say that?

Me:  I’m a mother.

PP: Would you care to explain?

Me: (giving PP a meme):  Which one of these have you never heard?

PP: Why would that make a child insane?

Me:  What if your boss said any one of those 10 statements to you every day?

PP: We have a zero tolerance environment.

Me: (chuckling):  This is a picture of your mom when you were a toddler.

PP: Where did you get this?!!!!

Me: On your personal social media page that you set on “public view” under your real name, Betty Lee Hogg.  That’s what the mothers of brilliant people look like when they’re trying to raise kids that, as my mother used to say, are, “too smart for your own good.”

PP: My mom used that saying a lot when I was a child.  Her face would turn red, she’d walk away and slam the door.

Me:  My mom said it while whapping me with a ruler.  That was before the time we knew how to call the abuse registry and end up in foster care like you did.  I’d ask where your mom is now, but you’ve provided the world with the name of her institution.

PP: You have no right…!

Me:  If you don’t like it, take it off your social media page.

PP: She wasn’t my real mother.

Me: Not true.  I looked it up on that popular ancestor site where you can find your relatives.  You have a sister with schizophrenia, one who is bipolar, and a brother who complained that he has a delusional sister who used to pretend she was a princess.  He wrote a post last month telling the world that his sister goes by the name of Winifred Royale.

PP (crossing her legs and smiling as if her entire world hadn’t just crashed around her): You still haven’t answered my question.  Why would you say that anyone over the age of 5 is insane?

Me:  I don’t have to.  You’ve just answered it for me.