Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : Swerving

One of my favorite excuses for hitting a tree:

I swerved to the left, I swerved to the right, but the tree hit me anyway.

He probably hit the tree for the same reason the police officer gave it a ticket.  No…wait…the above explanation was to tell the insurance company why the tree should have received a ticket instead of him.

Yes, Captain, the trees really were going that fast.

I remember a 6o minutes segment about hand-held radar equipment used by police to see how fast a car was going. The reporter aimed one at a grove of trees.  Radar said the trees were going 60 mile per hour.

He swore the trees weren’t going nearly that fast.

But…after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy, I have to wonder about the reporters sanity.

People will swerve away from the blame in ways so outrageous, you’re left scratching your head, looking puzzled and asking, “Could you repeat that again?”

Here’s an example:

Me:  Why can’t you seem to hold down a job?

Husband #1:  It’s all your fault!

Me:  In what way?

Husband #1: You’re working and that makes me feel like less of a man.  I’m too depressed to look for a job.

Me:  Then tell me, what was your excuse for not working during your first marriage, or at any time during your adult years?

Soon-to-be ex-Husband::  You see!  That’s what I mean!  You put me down so much I’ll never be able to find a job.

I can just hear “It’s not my fault” Adam’s justification:

Adam:  It’s your fault I ate that apple.

Eve:  Did I force it into your mouth?

Adam:  As tiny as you are, you couldn’t squish a cockroach.

Eve:  Then it wasn’t my fault that you took said apple from my hand and commenced eating it.

Adam:  God told us not to eat from that tree!

Eve:  The snake dropped a piece of fruit. I handed it to you and asked what it was.

Adam (pointing at the apple tree). Don’t you know an apple when you see one?

Eve (squinting):  I see a brown trunk, a bunch of green that I think are leaves, and some red spots. I didn’t know what it was. You knew and took a bite.  So how is our banishment out of the garden my fault?

God:  Eve, for the crime of being nearsighted you are hereby sentenced to hard labor every time you have a baby.

Eve:  You made me nearsighted!

Adam:  She made me eat an apple!

Eve:  Men!  If you ran into a tree you’d say it was the tree’s fault!

God:  Why do you think I cursed that apple tree in the first place!

That reminds me of a reason given by a male driver for hitting a pedestrian

“It’s not my fault.  She shouldn’t have been on the sidewalk.”

I crest my race…uh, I mean I rest my case.