Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : Dog help

September 15, 2018 by floridaborne

Insomnia, the infernal frontier.

The cats don’t help. If I’m not up by 7 in the morning they knead my neck — with their claws.

…but dog “help” is far worse. Cats only bother you until they’re distracted by a moth or barked at. With a dog, it’s a lingering torture.

Fat White Dog has her own routines. She barks at midnight, 2:00, 4:00, 4:01, 4:02…and at various intervals until around 7:00am.

If there’s a dust bunny to conquer or another dog just happens to walk into the bedroom, she feels duty bound to alert me. And, of course, the offending mutt has to yell back at her.

THEN there’s the 1:30am 5-part Chorale barked, sung and growled in every half-step from D, to C. It’s D major reason for 12:30am headaches.

Almost every night I’m up, at some point, typing on the computer. Usually, I look over to find this:

She can go to sleep in less than 30 seconds. Unfortunately, by the time she’s through waking me up for the 5th time in an hour, she’s fried all the synapses in my brain.

I wonder how many times I’ve missed the inconvenience of an alien abduction because there’s nothing worthy of space-napping.

I did have one good night’s sleep. I think it was 1999. A person who can’t remember what she had for breakfast is not going to remember mindless personal herstory.

Have you ever dreamed you were in an avalanche and your legs were caught under a beam? Or awakened because your extremities were numb?

She’s so cute when 68 pounds of her isn’t straddling my legs, or she’s not holding my arm down with her butt. I’d say that takes finesse, but I guarantee it isn’t pretty.

She thinks she’s helping me relax when she plops down next to me. How can I relax when her favorite activity is rolling in the sand and dumping it on my bed? It’s like trying to sleep on a giant nail file.

That’s not the only way she keeps me awake at night.

You haven’t ~~died~~ lived until you’ve had a recycled-cat-litter fart in your face. If you think it’s bad after it slides out of the cat, multiply that by 4 after it’s been through a dog factory.

Here’s the thing. As bad as it is when dogs and cats wake us up, I can’t imagine a worse hell than to never see a face like this again…