Punday Monday

May 7, 2018 by floridaborne

I’m sure you’ve seen these, or others like them before in some distant email a long time ago…far, far away.

But I think they’re worth sharing again.

Puns for Educated Minds

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it will still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12..
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
“You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
“Keep off the Grass.”

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18..
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19.
When the cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’
The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’