Tasteless weak-end Sarcasm: Why I’m up at 4 in the morning.

by

I’ll start out by saying I have gastroparesis and should know better.

There’s this Chinese restaurant around the corner from work.  If you want to eat in, it has 4 tables, but the ambiance sucks.  The food, however, is to die for.

I spent $4.95 on their lunch special.  There’s so much piled into the take-out box that I can divide it up into lunch for 2 to 3 days.  Problem is, an egg roll comes with it.

Fried, crispy, fragrant with Chinese cabbage — everything I’m supposed to avoid.

Normally, I pass it along to anyone who wants it.

But not today.

Noooo…I had to crunch into the deliciousness and savor the peanut oil.

It’s 4 in the morning.  My mouth tastes like rancid egg roll and my stomach is acting like a toilet that’s trying to flush down a giant turd accompanied by half a roll of TP. 

There isn’t a plunger in existence that can help me with this problem. 

Not even the giant cat presently purring on my lap can do more than lean into just the wrong place.

Did I mention the fact that one of the reasons I can’t sleep is that I’m belching like a teenage boy?  That’s what happens when the gastroparesis stomach rebels.the loud house burp GIF by Nickelodeon

I have to say, I’m feeling a bit green, too.

Some days I have to wonder if my food is looking at me and laughing,  “Go ahead and eat me! Karma, baby!”

Unfortunately, there’s too much truth in this:

 

When you have a “You can eat anything you want as long as it’s baby food” diet, and people remind you of it when you reach for the chocolate cake, you just want to say:

Give up chocolate?  I did — for a while.  Believe me, it wasn’t pretty.

If you think I’m kidding, here’s a synopsis of  what you can’t eat on the gastroparesis diet: No fiber, no salads, no nuts, no high fat content (ergo; no chocolate cake with luscious dark chocolate buttercream icing…).

It’s a 3-year old’s dream.  All the sugar I want, grazing on vanilla pudding and yogurt all day, no raw vegetables,  and as much white bread as I can eat.

Did I mention the ton of laxatives that have to accompany it?

At first, I followed the diet religiously and ended up looking like this — without the tan and the hair:

After a couple of years, and about 200 bottles of laxative, I asked a nutritionist for help.

She was incredible!  

Unfortunately, she died a year later from a brain tumor.

But, that slight inconvenience aside, she got me out of the

“I CAN’T EAT THAT”

phase into

GASTRIC TEST PILOT mode.

There are, without a doubt, a multitude of things at the very top of my you will never eat this and live  NO list:  Fried anything, broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, and cabbage.

And yesterday, I tried to go suborbital by eating 2 of those 5 giant NO’s.

The cat is off my lap; he didn’t like being bounced around with every belch.  He’s now using my laptop computer as his perch. 

I don’t know which is worse, having the cat lay against my pain or having my lap replaced by technology. 

 

 

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