Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : Weather…or not

There is a lot of truth to this.

In North Florida, we have the rare privilege of a season we like to call “2 weeks of autumn,” where a few trees turn color.  They’re hard to spot, but if you drive slow enough, you might see one.  That happens in late November or early December.

We have the “cold enough to wear a snowsuit” weather.  It doesn’t happen often, but I’ve been known to take out my 40-year-old snowsuit when it reaches 35F.  That usually happens in spatters during January and February.  

Then we have the “Oh,God! My lawn grew 3 feet in one day” season.  This lasts from April until October.

It’s followed closely by “Mildew and Fungus” season,  a time when my dehumidifier picks up a gallon of water a day.  In a 3 x 6 closet.  I bought a dehumidifier when I found my favorite dresses were nothing but mildew held together by a few strings.

Here is the only picture I have of my favorite dress:

I received it in my email from a co-worker a few weeks ago who was looking at archived pictures.

My BAID (my, but alas, I digress).

And then…there’s hurricane season.  It overlaps, in part, with “Mildew and Fungus” season and sometimes invades “2 weeks of autumn” season.

There are 2 truths about Hurricane season:

1.

2. 

Here’s a little more information about our mercurial winter:

In January, I had 2 comforters on the bed, flannel sheets, and still had to dress like this to stay warm

Yesterday,  it was 89F and I looked like this:

Except I was wearing a shirt,  I’m not male, and the last time I visited the ocean was…um…

I recently described Mildew and Fungus season to a friend

Most people ignore that advice and use this map before visiting Florida

We create maps like this on purpose so they’ll miss all the good beaches that only native Floridians know about. No, I’m not going to tell you where they are.  On the off chance that I want to go to the beach during the next decade, it’s to hear the waves gently lapping onto a pristine, sandy shore and not the sound inside of a concert hall 10 minutes before the music is going to begin.

Yes, most people  choose the South Florida beaches for a winter vacation, thinking it looks like this:

When it really looks like this:

First, you have to go through THIS to get there:

If you’re from Canada and wearing short sleeves in 60F weather, I’d advise you to be kind to the locals.  There’s a reason we don’t live in Canada…

…and you don’t live in Florida

I know why people don’t want to swim in the pacific.  I stuck my toe in that water once and the frostbite was so bad I thought it might have to be amputated.  Everyone who doesn’t want to be a surfer in a wet suit wants to swim in warm water. Ego, why Florida beaches are so crowded.  

Whether you wanted to hear about Florida weather — or not — now you know why Native Floridian’s rarely stay away from their home state.

Well….I’ll be removing my sweats and dressing for scrabble days soon

And if you come to Florida for a vacation in December, and think you want to live here, remember our motto:

WELCOME TO FLORIDA

NOW GO HOME.

If you move here, you’ll turn into this guy

So….

• enjoy a Florida vacation,
• live in a place that doesn’t feel like a sauna 5 to 10 months out of the year,
• help save the environment by NOT being one of the millions dependent upon energy-sucking air conditioning in their cars, homes, and offices to survive…

…and don’t retire here