how to buy a toilet seat when you have a migraine #SundayBlogShare

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From: etsy.com

I’d had a persistent headache for weeks, but it turned into a migraine shortly before Tropical Storm Hermine.

How do I put this delicately?  When you have a migraine and you’re bouncing off the walls on the way to the bathroom because you’re so dizzy you can hardly stand, that’s not the time to go sliding sideways into the toilet.

Several months ago, I bought a replacement toilet seat from Wally World.  $10 seemed like such a good price, and I was tired of being pinched by the duct tape holding the old one together.  
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I like the soft kind that don’t feel like you’re sitting on a freezer in the middle of winter, but the one I’d purchased was about an inch too large.    
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ducttapeseat
I think the inside must have been made of cardboard.  It lasted about a month before the center broke in half on both sides.  I’ve learned how to sit on it so I don’t end up on the porcelain rim, but it takes a minor amount of concentration. That’s too much to ask of a brain on migraine.
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“I don’t care how much it costs!”  I exclaimed to hubby.  “I’m getting a decent toilet seat.”
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To fully grasp the import of the faux pas, think about what it might look like when a scatterbrained writer tries to explain this situation to Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.  
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How did a writer and a genius better at math than social skills get together?  
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Very, very carefully.
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After 20 years of living with someone who thinks that duct tape is second only to God, I hoped he wouldn’t try to fix the problem.  Migraines and duct taped toilet seats just don’t mix well together.  
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“Why do you need a new toilet seat,” he asked very, very carefully.  
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“I’m tired of falling in my own pee!”
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“I need facts.”
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“I need a new toilet seat!”  
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“Talk to me when you can make sense,” he advised me.
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With that warning in mind, I’d better not walk into Wally World without knowing EXACTLY what I want.
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How hard could it be to find the right size?
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Did I have to ask?
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…and do I really want to be seen in public buying a toilet seat?
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Taking a toilet seat up to the checkout counter is right up there with buying a case of adult diapers.   The embarrassment du jour  used to be monthly female products.  Not anymore.   Those can be sitting right next to a box of tampons and a tube of KY jelly on the check out counter and nobody blinks.  But a toilet seat?   People think, “What is so hygienically heinous about this person that s/he has to buy a new one?”  
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Well, the Wally World store in my area had an entire line of the same seat I’d destroyed in a month.  That wasn’t going to work.  
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All right!  Time to look on-line!  These were the “facts” (and that’s a loose translation) as I knew them:  18″  (the old one was 19″) & no more soft seats or plastic (aka nothing less than wood will suffice).  Success was just around the corner!
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Or not
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Try doing a search with an air raid siren in your ear as it walks over your keyboard and settles into this position:
P1050368
After hitting Ebay, Amazon, Wal-Mart, and more sites, I found what I wanted on Ebay but it was cheaper at Wal-Mart.  That took an hour.  
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“An hour?”  You might ask.  “How could it possibly take that long?”
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I kept losing the tab when OBCC touched the wrong keys while walking back and forth over the keyboard.  I found my place again, but OBCC continued to find new and frustrating ways  to play,”guess who’s extorting a treat.”  I gently lifted the offending feline off my hand, carried him out of my office, touched his paws to the floor, and quickly closed the door.
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Finally!  My new toilet seat was paid for, with an email from walmart.com stating “Thank you for your purchase.”  In seconds, that email was followed by one that said, “Items have been cancelled from your order.”  Since there was only thing ordered, the cancelled item was a no-brainer.
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LDR 050 1750 Elongated Wood Toilet Seat with Polished Brass Hinges, Oak
Now what?  
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I wasn’t ready to give up!  Armed with the exact name, I found it on Amazon, and I could get free shipping with a free trial of Amazon Prime.  While I was there, I found 2 more items to add to the cart.
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I’m not going to try to explain to hubby what possessed me to buy a cat toy and cat dewormer when all I needed was a toilet seat.  There are some explanations better left unsaid. 
Category : humor, Rant
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