Conversing with mud

For readers who haven’t experienced one of my conversations with the great whatever, you may not know how they are written.   I create a word document,  turn out all the lights, take off my high-powered dark glasses, turn off the monitor, and start typing.  What comes out is a form of self-induced Gestalt therapy.  

Or is God really talking to me?  

Who knows?

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The North Florida sky on a cloudy day. It reminds me of a hand trying to swat a mosquito.

Hello…anyone out there? 

No.

Very NOT funny!  Confusion is my constant companion these days.  It’s the confusion one gets when faced with 1000 different pathways to take and no road signs to point out which way is the best way to go.  Are you there?

I’m here.  I’m trying to pick through your thinking process at this moment.

I have a bad case of restless brain and I’m trying to wade through the mud bog of “what have I forgotten.“  As I type, I’m delving, diving, digging trying to find a clear source of guidance.  I can tell you for a fact that, so far, you’re no help.

In order to ask the questions, first you have to know part of the answer.  You’re coming to me with nothing.

Look, I know that my life in a dog house is a great deal better than the lives of most people in the world.  I’m thankful for a roof that doesn’t leak, a car from 1990 that still runs, a place to sleep and doggies to keep me warm with their love.  I’m thankful for part-time work that’s the perfect fit for me…

But you’re at the computer feeling guilty for feeling miserable about something you can’t seem to put into words.

It’s that obvious?   Hello????

Lately, “My way” has been spinning around in your head.  It sings to you constantly and you just want it to stop.  You can’t think of anything until you get rid of that song in your head.

I’ve tried putting new words to it like “I want some hair spray” instead of “I did it my way,” using different instruments to play it, listening to the entire song in hopes that it will just go away, but without any luck.  Are you trying to tell me something?

You’re concerned that I’m trying to tell you that you’re going to die soon.

I want to finish my book series.

Drop the obsessive desire to control everything around you. Accept that the changes happening around you aren’t in your control.

I don’t deserve this feeling of being an ant watching someone’s shoe coming down on me.

Neither does the rest of the world.  You may live in a dog house but most of the world lives in a viper pit of corruption, squalor, disease and war.  At this moment in your history, you have less to fear from outside forces than any society in the past 4 millennia.

Then why can’t I get out of this mud hole that’s drowning my mind?  Why is there a feeling inside that I’ve forgotten something, that I’m not fulfilling what I’m supposed to do?

Because you’re ignoring something and you’re not doing what you’re being guided to do. 

Then tell me, infinite wise one:  What would that be?

Take the time to perceive your surroundings.  Listen.  Feel the vibrations of frustration, joy, hope and unhappiness in others instead of concentrating all your available resources on controlling the environment around you.  At the end of this life as you know it, the world will continue down its path of self-destruction and you will be resting in the all-there-is.  What is important is how you can make this moment better for others around you.  Multiplied exponentially, it has the potential to change the entire world.  But it won’t change if you’re continually trying to push it toward the way you want it to be.

Everyone else is doing the same thing.

And that’s the problem.  You are stirring up the mud that you can’t see through.  Listen to your breathing, calm your mind, and allow the mud to settle.  Then you can clearly see the path you are to follow.

That’s easy for you to say.  You can change anything you want anytime you want to do it.

And yet, I don’t.  Have you asked yourself why?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the universe is insane.

I’m not the one who tries to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Where are the floods that drown the bad guys?  Where are the forces of nature that conquered kings and saved entire civilizations?  You’ve interceded before!

A Tsunami takes out a village.  A thousand years later the stone tablets show that the inhabitants refused to follow a deity’s law and were destroyed.   People want explanations and attach meaning to events that have no bearing on human perceptions of good and evil.

This conversation is far from satisfying.

“Satisfying” is not the same thing as “necessary.”