Thoughts in the dark
God, I don’t understand. I was asleep at 9 pm and now I’m up at 1. My body feels like it’s being spun around on an amusement park ride and it isn’t the least bit funny.
Exhaustion will do that to a person.
But I have no reason to be exhausted. It’s not like I have 12 children and a full time job. I spend a lot of time sitting in front of the computer writing on books. It’s discouraging to look at book 5 and say, “OMG, I have to completely merge, rewrite, and change around the first 3/4th of the book.”
You’re learning a lot about writing. Take the epiphany as that.
At this moment, I feel so lonely. Yes, the Fat White Dog is doing her best to protect me from whatever it is that she keeps barking at but…
She’s seeing something that you can’t see, an entity.
If you tell me to make a tinfoil hat I’ll be wondering if you’re the entity she’s barking at.
There is so much you don’t see, so much you can’t perceive. Humans have exquisite minds but compared to your dogs, you’re deaf and blind.
I knew that.
But you’re not willing to admit that your protector dog can sense in the air something there that you can’t see?
I’m tired, God. I’m running around in circles and I feel like I’m trapped in a cage. I know that isn’t true, but I want to know why I’m feeling that way.
Taste the air.
It’s Florida in the middle of August. You might not feel dehydration, but it’s affecting you.
I’m well aware that the older a person gets the less able s/he is to perceive stuff like that.
Your dogs didn’t do well when another dog was introduced. That upset you. You’re worried about the future of the world but you shouldn’t. If humans don’t make it as a species, 99% of everything that ever lived didn’t make it either. Life is trying to know itself and a lot of mistakes are made along the way.
Why can’t God just create life that’s worth a crap?
You’ve seen movies about people who wake up and don’t remember who they are? Try gaining awareness with a universe at your heart and not know why. It’s like there was a thought and then the thought wanted to know itself.
That would suck.
You’re not the only one who’s trying to find yourself. It’s the universal condition.
For putting it all into perspective. I’m just a fractalling speck of near nothingness in a sea of uncertainty. Why that makes me feel better, I don’t know.
You’re not alone. Feeling alone is a soul killer.
Do you feel alone sometimes?
I have trillions of sentient beings to keep me company. I’m never alone.
One day, will I understand?
You already do. You just need to get past a childhood full of misinformation, indoctrination and lies.
I just want to get through another day, get my books published and be in your arms when it’s my time.
But that time is not today.
And that, for some twisted reason, makes me feel better, too.
Just wanted to thank you for giving me the courage to talk about dyslexia. I prefer to call it right-brained reading 🙂
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Funny you should say that. 🙂
A few decades ago, a psychiatrist (whom I went to for pain management after an accident) told me that I was very “right-brained.”
Dyslexics see the world a bit differently and in ways that can enrich a curriculum, not detract from it. 🙂
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