Of Clowns, Men and Mutts


THE 3 WISE MUTTS. I prefer there presence rather than presents.

It’s been a while since I’ve answered one of Austin’s “Jump Start Your Brain” posts by creating my own blog post from his questions.   

I do this when I feel the answer is going to be longer than his post.  

I’m not certain this “blog etiquette” is written in virtual stone, and have to admit that I’ve broken my own in-house rule more than once.  But when my brain is actually able to perceive more than, “Food…good…stomach says…noooo…”  I do try to be polite.

While Austin is trying to defrost his brain after a winter of blizzards followed by a well-Spring of snow, I’ll direct you to his blog so that you can provide the Modern Philosopher with your own answers.



What if Baby Jesus had been visited by Three Fools, instead of Three Wise Men, on the Feast of the Epiphany.   Had Jesus been born today, the Wise Men would’ve been replaced by the 3 G-men named Psychiatrist, Psychologist and Social Worker. He’d be whisked away from parents (who had the audacity to find shelter in a barn) and put into foster care.  A few years after that, he’d either be in a foster home with 3 other children taking the same dosages of Haldol & Mellaril, or possibly living in the same institution with his cousin, John the Baptist.

What if, instead of three men on camels traversing the desert and following a star, there were three clowns in a brightly colored clown car roaring across the desert following their vehicle’s OnStar device?  The clowns would’ve been preferable to the G-men any day.  At least they have common sense enough to know that they ARE clowns.  

What would these fools have brought Baby Jesus as gifts to replace gold, frankincense, and myrrh?  A cream pie, a bicycle horn, and a balloon animal perhaps?  The gift of laughter.  Given his burden in life, this might’ve been more meaningful to Jesus than Frankincense. 

It would really be a waste for only three clowns to travel in that clown car, so what if it ended up being thirty-three fools that spilled out of the Volkswagen instead?  That would make for quite the crowded creche under the Christmas Tree, wouldn’t it? There was hay covered with the “ornaments” of cow patties and horse manure.  Not the kind of place that 33 clown feet want to be traipsing.  People in the desert knew better than to cut down pine trees and burn candles on them.  

Do you think clowns would be more respected and revered if they had replaced the Three Wise Men at that First Christmas?  Don’t you think that the song “We Three Clowns Of Orient Are…” would be a lot more fun to sing around the Holidays?  It’s according to the clown.  After all, Pontius Pilate is still vilified.

Why doesn’t April Fools’ Day have a song associated with it?  “Only Fools Rush In” comes to mind, but is that about the first of April?  How about “Send In The Clowns”?  The latter is one of my favorite songs, and I hope it’s never associated with April Fools day.  I’ve been the brunt of enough April Fools jokes that I would rather the “holiday” die a quiet death.

Whatever happened to those Three Wise Men after they visited the manger?  Maybe the Tusken Raiders attacked them on their return trip across the desert?  Those Star Wars baddies would probably think twice before attacking a car full of clowns, am I right?  If they were wise, they would’ve kept their mouths shut (“Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned from them the exact time when the star had appeared”).  I think in this case the iconic Luke Skywalker was replaced by Matthew Mouthtalkers.  Personally, I’d rather have the 3 Wise Mutts invading my manger any day of the week.  They don’t spill their guts to the first government official who asks, “Where is the kid so I can take care of him for his own good.” 

The Three Wise Men still exist in our culture as iconic figures such as professors, computer geniuses, philosophers, and brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda Fraternity, don’t they?  The Wise Men tended to be better dressed. 

Even though they got left out of the whole Nativity adventures, clowns seem to have thrived, have they not?  What is the secret to their success?  Do you think there’s any chance the Three Wise Men had an epiphany on their return trip across the desert and became clowns?  Perhaps in a Steven King sort of way, after all it’s speculated that they were really Kings and not wise men.  

That would explain a lot, wouldn’t it???  Only if their progeny are now in charge of social welfare systems in the Western world.

Happy April Fools’ Day in advance.  Hope these Deep Thoughts managed to jump start your brain.  If not, I could just show up at your home and smash you in the face with a cream pie.  That always works…          I would rather be smashed in the face with a cream pie than be the trusting victim of an April Fools joke.  At least it’s a frontal assault and not a stab in the back.  Did I mention that the longer I live around humans the more I like my dogs?  🙂