Dingo Dog Guest Blog
Dr. Dog is on vacation. He’s asked Dingo Mutt, FloridaBorne’s wild-child of the dog world, to be guest blogger. Dr. Dog’s Advice Column on Human Behavior will be back when Dr. Dog feels like doing it.
In my 4 years of life, I learned that the fastest way to train a human is to use my 5 step approach.
5 STEP HUMAN EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING
- Never pass up a chance to look pitiful.
- Timing is of the essence.
- Learn to use subterfuge well.
- Consistently look helpless when your human is around (Determined by the number of “Awwwww’s” and the amount of petting you receive when doing it).
- If you’re going to pick on the other family dog, make certain it’s not as bright as you are.
Here is just one example of how this works:
- I take great pleasure in tormenting the Fat White Dog (step 5).
- I’ve learned to growl just like her (step 3).
- I wait until my human is turned the other direction and then time the growl so that my human thinks it’s the Fat White growling at me. (Step 2).
- She turns around, says, “Fat White Dog! Stop Growling!” Whimper slightly, furrow your brow, and look at her likes she’s you’re universe. (step 1).
I gauge my success by the following scale:
5 STARS: I’m sitting next to her eating a Milkbone, listening to a stream of melodious awwwww’s while being petted.
4 STARS: I’m getting the awwww’s and petting sans the Milkbone.
3 STARS: I receive an awwww and petted a few times.
2 STARS: She silently pats my head and walks away.
1 STAR: (This hasn’t happened yet). She catches me in the act and says, “Dingol Stop Growling!”
Guess what, dear readers, I get to sleep next to my human each and every night. That is, when the Fat White Dog doesn’t hog the bed first.