How to give yourself a black eye.
PRELUDE
Imagine the old 1950’s series, Dragnet
“Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true.”
Imagine the first 9 ominous notes of this series–or watch the first 10 seconds of
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3MjMte-FZ8
Now, boys and girls, sing this to the music:
Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb…..Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb DUUUUHHHHHmb.
SETTING THE SCENE
At the house of FloridaBorne there are 5 dogs.
Inside her office, the 5 dog alarm lay in wait for any and all suspects who might want to steal her ancient computer and a color laser printer that’s nothing short of a pain in the ass.
Her 15 year old desk curves around her to the window on one side, intersecting with a rusty 1000 year old metal 2-door cabinet, its top covered with cheap plastic stick-um crap vaguely resembling wood. On top of that is the laser printer from hell.
In between the printer and the window perpendicular to the other windows is a very old plastic covered office chair. Said chair is there for 2 reasons.
- The first was to provide a place for visitors to sit. Since visitors to her home are few,
- The second is to pile up the crap that seems to find its way on top of the printer.
Every office has a supply cabinet. FloridaBorne has a built-in 7-shelf supply area made out of wood so hard it must have come from a steel tree. The shelf is located across from the printer that has given her more gray hairs in 3 months than life has given her in 30 years.
THIS IS MY STORY
Once, the computer was on the desk. But that didn’t give the boys–2 Coon cats–enough room to spread out on my manuscripts. So, the computer went onto the floor next to the cabinet that houses my stupid printer. The vulnerability my computer faced opened up another problem.
I can’t keep the 1 foot wide space open between the printer and that old office chair. What if all 5 dogs start jumping around and kill my computer?
The first dog barrier started out as 2 milkbone boxes. Vizsla Mutt merely plowed past them. After all, she DOES own the place.
So what was I to do?
Well….there’s a well padded office chair I found at a thrift store almost 20 years ago. It’s in surprisingly good condition considering it’s spent the past 15 years in my office as a dog bed. Said chair has more than 1 use. Several pieces of wood are crammed between it and the wall. I was going to use a 3 foot by 4 foot piece to block passage to my office, but Errrr Dog was sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb him.
All right! I’ll tell you the truth Sgt. Friday! I was too lazy to pry it out so I took the easiest one to wrestle with. The same height, and conveniently held into place by the nice red milkbone boxes, it provided quite an effective barrier.
If you’ve read my blog before, you’re well aware that I’m 1/2 blind. You’re also aware that I’m very light sensitive and my house looks like a cave on the inside. Now, add this to the fact that I have the memory of a goldfish and …
I stepped over the milkbone box, expecting to find flooring. Instead, the wood bent forward with my foot firmly on it. I was falling at an awkward angle with nothing in front of me to grab. My cheek flew into the sharp edge of the steel-like wooden shelf, taking the full force of the fall.
Yes, it hurt like hell.
What was I thinking as I fell forward?
WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I GRAB ONTO THE #*%&*!$@ PRINTER!!!
I‘ll tell you why! The damned thing doesn’t get to die that easily.
Dizzy (a NOT surprise) I walked to the bathroom to look over the damage. There was a 3/4 inch long cut on the left cheek under the eye. I couldn’t believe it. That much pain and all I had to show for it was a small cut?
A few hours later, I told my husband, embarrassed about being so whiny over a simple cut. I lifted my dark glasses. He winced. That’s when I went to the mirror to find a cheek the color of a tornado cloud, and my eye swollen and bruised on the left side.
What lesson did I learn from this?
Simple.
I think my printer is cursed.
OMG!! I hope you’re OK! I’m coming through your town later today and would like to stop in and see for myself that you’re alive and well….that was my first thought.
Second thought….OMG! that is a funny ending!
Third thought….OMG! I have a sibling of that computer sitting on the filing cabinet next to my desk! (Good thing they don’t know each other, it would be a match made in hell.)
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It’s better today than it was. I’m alive and well but feeling very, very stupid.
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Pingback: Coon Cat on the Laser Printer from Hell | Two on a Rant
That printer… I think it’s plotting against you. :O
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You leave no stone unturned when it comes to caring for others; you probably didn’t want to hurt the printer, either 🙂
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In this case I have to say that once I figure out how it works, it will probably be an amazing product. But right now, not so much. 🙂
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omg. hope you are better
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I’m certainly as good as can be expected, considering I’m not quite right. 🙂
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