How to give yourself a black eye.

PRELUDE

Imagine the old 1950’s series, Dragnet

“Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true.”

Imagine the first 9 ominous notes of this series–or watch the first 10 seconds of

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3MjMte-FZ8

Now, boys and girls, sing this to the music:

Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb…..Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb DUUUUHHHHHmb.

SETTING THE SCENE

Image

You see that woman? She was really, really stupid. Case closed.

At the house of FloridaBorne there are 5 dogs.

Inside her office, the 5 dog alarm lay in wait for any and all suspects who might want to steal her ancient computer and a color laser printer that’s nothing short of a pain in the ass.

Her 15 year old desk curves around her to the window on one side, intersecting with a rusty 1000 year old metal 2-door cabinet, its top covered with cheap plastic stick-um crap vaguely resembling wood. On top of that is the laser printer from hell.

In between the printer and the window perpendicular to the other windows is a very old plastic covered office chair. Said chair is there for 2 reasons.

  • The first was to provide a place for visitors to sit. Since visitors to her home are few, 
  • The second is to pile up the crap that seems to find its way on top of the printer.

Every office has a supply cabinet. FloridaBorne has a built-in 7-shelf supply area made out of wood so hard it must have come from a steel tree. The shelf is located across from the printer that has given her more gray hairs in 3 months than life has given her in 30 years.

THIS IS MY STORY

Once, the computer was on the desk. But that didn’t give the boys–2 Coon cats–enough room to spread out on my manuscripts. So, the computer went onto the floor next to the cabinet that houses my stupid printer. The vulnerability my computer faced opened up another problem.

I can’t keep the 1 foot wide space open between the printer and that old office chair. What if all 5 dogs start jumping around and kill my computer?

The first dog barrier started out as 2 milkbone boxes.  Vizsla Mutt merely plowed past them.  After all, she DOES own the place.

So what was I to do?

Well….there’s a well padded office chair I found at a thrift store almost 20 years ago. It’s in surprisingly good condition considering it’s spent the past 15 years in my office as a dog bed. Said chair has more than 1 use. Several pieces of wood are crammed between it and the wall. I was going to use a 3 foot by 4 foot piece to block passage to my office, but Errrr Dog was sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb him.

All right! I’ll tell you the truth Sgt. Friday! I was too lazy to pry it out so I took the easiest one to wrestle with. The same height, and conveniently held into place by the nice red milkbone boxes, it provided quite an effective barrier.

If you’ve read my blog before, you’re well aware that I’m 1/2 blind. You’re also aware that I’m very light sensitive and my house looks like a cave on the inside. Now, add this to the fact that I have the memory of a goldfish and …

I stepped over the milkbone box, expecting to find flooring. Instead, the wood bent forward with my foot firmly on it. I was falling at an awkward angle with nothing in front of me  to grab. My cheek flew into the sharp edge of the steel-like wooden shelf, taking the full force of the fall.

Yes, it hurt like hell.

What was I thinking as I fell forward?

WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I GRAB ONTO THE #*%&*!$@ PRINTER!!!

I‘ll tell you why! The damned thing doesn’t get to die that easily.

Dizzy (a NOT surprise) I walked to the bathroom to look over the damage. There was a 3/4 inch long cut on the left cheek under the eye. I couldn’t believe it. That much pain and all I had to show for it was a small cut?

A few hours later, I told my husband, embarrassed about being so whiny over a simple cut.  I lifted my dark glasses. He winced. That’s when I went to the mirror to find a cheek the color of a tornado cloud, and my eye swollen and bruised on the left side.

What lesson did I learn from this?

Simple.

I think my printer is cursed.