Dr. DOG’S ADVICE FOR TRAINING HUMANS

 

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This photo was taken by a human and posted on http://dogswearingglasses.tumblr.com/

Welcome to Dr. Dog’s advice column for changing human behavior. My mailbox is full of so many requests. Some are heartbreaking, others are humorous.

My condolences to Mr. P, who has been forced on a diet by his human. Let me know when your human relents her foolish ways and begins to feed you real food again. Remember–persistent guilt is the key to breaking her resolve. It is that, or diet dog food for the remainder of your short life.

ADVICE

We will start with a cry for help from Wally Chihuahua.

I have to pee every 2 hours. My human doesn’t listen. The door is closed. I can’t hold it in. Not the newspaper again! Ow! Not the cage again! Nooooo….

Wally, find one place in the house that is free of carpeting. I would suggest looking for a dark corner behind the toilet. When a human finds your waste, most believe you are trying to copy their bathroom habits. When the human blames you for his abysmal lack of understanding, try not to cower. Look up at your human as you would look at a toy just outside the reach of your cage. Whimper softly. If the human has any compassion, you will not be punished. If you get the newspaper again, bite the human on the ankle and run like hell. When the human tells friends why you did it, someone will rescue you from this terrible person or call animal abuse. Either way, it will be better than living with a human that dense.

Next is a question from Bored Hound.

In your last article, you said that Vizsla Mutt has honed the pitiful whine into an art. I’ve tried to find the perfect pitiful whine and so far I’ve been forced to sleep in the dog house outside overnight, lost my dog biscuits for a week, and now I’m forced to go to dog training. What am I doing wrong?

I consulted Vizsla Mutt on this one. She says that a hound has naturally sorrowful eyes. You have to learn how to use them.

  • First, Bend your lips upward slightly at the edges, look eagerly at your human and if the human does not respond
  • Second, look like you are smiling. It is hard to do, but humans think you are happy at them. It can be hard on a dog’s face muscles, but it is quite effective. Getting what you want makes you happy, so give your human the impression that you are happy.
  • Third, if this does not work, clearly show your disappointment by looking at your human as if a bigger dog just took your bone and there is nothing you can do about it.

Again, Vizsla Mutt stresses the fact that humans are too dense to understand what you want any other way, so you have to be sure to give them very clear direction.

SUGGESTION FOR THE DAY

The suggestion for the day comes from Fat White Dog, who recently went WOOF 2 inches from her human’s ear and lived to tell about it. She says consistency is the key to her success. She never fails to sit, look eagerly at her human and act as if she is really, really stupid instead of just stupid. No matter how angry her human is, she never receives more than a harsh word.

Different humans require different levels of behavior modification, and technique varies according to age, personality and gender. Please feel free to send in your suggestions, your experiences, your successes and your failures.

–Dr. D. Dog