RANDOM C.R.A.Z.Y. THOUGHT–Part 3

Freud, the father of psych, blamed everything on our mothers. That’s F%*#&$@ CRAZY!

I’ll start out with the *%&$@ disclaimer….

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DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor. I am a ranter, one who loves writing about the humor in the strange, the stupid, and the obviously ridiculous. It means that, quite probably, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. My suggestion is that you laugh your head off, but don’t take anything I’m about to rant on as the words of an expert.

Do your own research.

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In a nutshell:

• ANCIENT HISTORY. My mind ain’t quite right. My dad, who had a 5th grade education, could see it before I could talk. The doctors I was dragged to said I just wanted attention. When I was 33 and my son was having the same “attention wanting” problem I had, the experts in psychiatry at UW-Madison diagnosed both my son and I with Tourette Syndrome.

• PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT. That experience was the beginning of a path that would lead me to an obvious truth: When doctors use the bathroom, it smells just as bad after they leave (i.e., they’re human.)

• IN PART 1. I wrote a blog on June 28 called Random Crazy Thoughts, wandering into the realm of alternative thinking regarding the bible of psychiatric diagnosis, the DSM IV. What if it were written by a person with schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, or bi-polar disorder or…well… pick one?  Would “Normal” be called Bland Personality Disorder?  Or how about calling it Monotonous Affective Disorder? 

• PART 2, THE NEW AND MUCH VAGUER DSM. The things you learn while looking up other things on the internet! The DSM IV has been replaced by DSM V. It’s used by psychologist and psychiatrists (and a few in the medical profession who shouldn’t oughta use it) to decide whether you fit in the square hole of catatonia, the round hole of personality disorders, or the black hole of depression. If you like terms that allow for accessorizing mental illness, or that you can use to mold the definition any which way (such as unspecified disorder), this book is for you!

• THE BEST LAID PLANS. All I wanted to do was make fun of it the DSM IV.  For instance, in honor of the overused diagnoses called “Histrionic personality disorder, I came up with a definition of

  Non-Histrionic personality disorder–those people who can’t tell a story without putting you to sleep and can’t get a second date because they’re so boring.

  Instead, I’m writing this rant because the DSM IV is gone and the DSM V is out there. Literally.

NOW FOR PART 3….

BULLET POINTS!

HOW VAGUE CAN IT GET? YOU DECIDE.

PERSONALITY DISORDERS UNSPECIFIED:

Personality disorders are based on criteria that is so vague, you might as well bring in a psychic to divine the meaning.

I can’t stress the importance of clearly defined lines in diagnosis using words that normal, average, sane people can understand. For example, I was reading an article about the prevalence of incest in the USA. The definition of incest is exceedingly clear cut, but how many people can you name who have been diagnosed with Incest Disorder? NONE. Why? Because that’s not what it’s called. It’s buried somewhere deep in the bowels of the DSM V lumped together with serial killers and pedophiles who are (no surprise here) called something else.

It appears that 5 personality disorders have been eliminated and Histrionics will be lumped together with Narcissistic personality disorder–among others. This is serious stuff, people!

• if you were called Histrionic or Narcissistic, now you can be lumped in with Borderline Personality–the Leprosy of psychiatric disorders. Why is being borderline like being a leper? Because if you’re diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, there isn’t a psych in his or her right mind who wants to touch that.

The new DSM V terminology is as transparent as a brick wall. Look at some of the symptoms lumped together to make a diagnosis for personality disorders:

• You can’t stand it if you’re not the center of attention. (Doesn’t that define every actor in existence? If so, why do people buy all those star-stalker magazines? What disorder to they have?)

• Words like “adaptive failure” involving “Impaired sense of self-identity” or “Failure to develop effective interpersonal functioning” are tossed in with “Impaired sense of self-identity.” I don’t know about you, but I certainly think that some double-speak ditz is filled with fecal matter.

• What computer geek doesn’t have a pervasive failure to develop effective interpersonal functioning? How many people in the USA have been married more than once? Does this constitute interpersonal function failure? Does the bar get raised according to how many failed marriages are considered the cultural norm during any given year?

• If a man kills his wife on the other side of the world because someone saw her ankle, can he come over to the US, demand that Sharia law be put in place and not be considered whacked in the head because, after all, that’s the cultural norm where he comes from? Wouldn’t any psychiatrist suffer from bi-polar diagnostic disorder who thinks that kind of logic is all right?

• How many teenagers DON’T have poorly integrated identity (shifting self-states), or poor integrity of self-concept (difficulty identifying and describing parts of oneself). Doesn’t it come with the raging horror-mones?

• How many millennium kids don’t have low self-directedness? (Is a whole generation insane?)

• In this economy, how many people aren’t having trouble setting and achieving goals in life, showing a lack of direction, and feeling little meaning or purpose in life?

HOW LOW CAN IT GO? YOU DECIDE.

• If you believe this country is headed for trouble and you’re stockpiling food, can you be diagnosed with a hoarding disorder?

• If you go in for plastic surgery, can you be diagnosed as obsessive with a side order of psychosis dujour…uh, unspecified disorder?

• Soldiers, police officers and fire fighters who have been taught not to react emotionally to traumatic events can now be thrown into this psychiatric smorgasbord if they don’t act like the horror is affecting them. Yes, your friendly neighborhood therapist can say, “You were in battle. You test out fine, but we’re diagnosing you with PTSD anyway.” Does this sound sane to you?

This soldier has PTSD just because he’s seen battle.
If that’s not enough, the cross is a dead giveaway

• During a hearing, Diane Feinstein stated that a military veteran could be mentally ill and suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),  She wanted to prevent these people from buying the semi-automatic weapons that would be banned in her bill. Personally, I think Feinstein fits quite nicely into the category of Politically Correct Personality Disorder. You know, characterized by people who are so tolerant of anything but freedom that they don’t remember there’s a Constitution in this country? There are more than a few politicians that would fit into that category. How about Nancy Pelosi, who wants to take away your 2nd amendment rights (which she mistook for your 1st amendment rights) in order to save a Constitution she obviously hasn’t read. What do you think?

• Sleep apnea and female sexual arosal disorders are still there. Were there any women on the panel that decided what went into this ridiculous category?

• Could I be arrested as a terrorist for overusing bullet points in this blog?

Here’s an interesting development:

• Pretty soon we may have Caffeine use disorder. Wow! That definitely deserves a padded cell!

• How about Intermittent gaming disorder? If you play too many online or video games, can you be classified as insane?

Unfortunately, these concepts are under further research and have yet to go the way of that 1970’s craze, the pet rock.

Intermittent gaming disorder I can understand–after all, I don’t like video games so it doesn’t affect me.   But CAFFEINE???? Caffeine intake a disorder? Get real! You think I’m joking? If you put “Caffeine use disorder DSM V” in a search engine, you’ll come up with a couple of websites stating that it is being considered to be included in Substance Use Disorders.

Excedrin has as much caffeine in it as a cup of coffee. Do you really think Caffeine use should be lumped under the same heading as heroin, crack use or alcohol?

If so, Feinstein and Pelosi have a bridge to sell you somewhere over the rainbow.

Does it look to you as if it’s not the loss of our right to bear arms, or the loss of our right to free speech that will be the catalyst of change–but the loss of our right to ingest caffeine? The classic movie “Airplane” might have had it right all along. The key to saving our constitution is to deprive us of our coffee.  And call us crazy for wanting it.