Conversation with Dog



The Gentle Giant with his usual worried look:


Norco-induced imagined conversation (Note from mom–I never, never want to take that stuff again!!!!  Unless I’m in unimaginable pain.)

Vizsla mutt: Time to get out of the way. Mom is walking like she’s on a boat in a hurricane. I’m not going to be the one she falls on this time.

Fat White Dog: She’s going up the stairs. Oh, Goody! A nap!

Vizsla mutt: Are you nuts? Mom never takes a nap! She’s supposed to be at her computer.

Gentle Giant: I don’t like it. I think she’s going to die!

Vizsla mutt: No. Dad calls it “dizzy.” Do people get dizzy when a tooth is pulled?

Fat White Dog: Tooth?

Vizsla mutt: What do you chew bones with? Those things in your mouth are teeth!

Fat White Dog: Uh…these? (bares teeth). Grrrrrr…..

Gentle Giant: Is…is mom…dead? She usually tells us to behave when we growl. She isn’t moving.

Dingo Dog: (Licks mom on the neck). No. She just tastes weird.

Errrrrr Dog: Errrrrr. My human!

Dingo Dog: You want another round with me?

Errrrrr Dog: I wanna be Alpha Dog!

Dingo Dog: I chew up metal cans. Can you do that?

Errrrr Dog: (Growling at the Gentle Giant) Errrrrr….dad loves you best!

Dingo Dog: Now you want to pick a fight with a dog twice your size? You’re worse than the Fat White Dog! You can’t see reality and she can’t count!

Fat White Dog: Why is “count” important?

Dingo (goes to the window, looks out and says): Woof….Woof….Woof.Woof.Woof. (In the distance a dog repeats the sound) That’s the bark you use to ask, “Is anyone out there?”

Fat White Dog: All I have to do is shout WOOF! Everybody knows I’m out there.

Dingo Dog: In more ways than one.

Vizsla Mutt: Now look what you’ve done! Mom is snapping her fingers.

Fat White Dog: What does that mean?

Dingo Dog: It either means she has laryngitis or she wants us to shut up. Let’s find out. Fat Dog! I hear food being eaten in the dog bowl!

Fat White Dog: Damned cats! WOOOOOOOOOF Woof Woof WOOOOOOOOF.

Human: Please be quiet. Mom isn’t feeling well.

Dingo Dog: Any more stupid questions, or can we go to sleep before mom throws us out of the bedroom?

Fat White Dog:  Errrrr Dog gets to sleep at her feet. Why do I have to sleep on this queen sized foam bed?

Dingo Dog: Are you serious? Don’t you remember when you were sleeping outside, abandoned…

Gentle Giant: I remember being staked out in the rain…alone…unloved.  Then dad saved me from the lightening monster.

Dingo Dog:  We know already.  As I was saying to Fat Dog…

Gentle Giant:  You’re talking to an eating machine with the mental capacity of a tick. Why do you bother trying to explain?

Dingo Dog: It’s a lot easier than trying to communicate with humans.

Fat White Dog: Mom is trying to get up. OH NO!!!! INCOMING!!!!

Gentle Giant: The mom is falling! The mom is falling!!!!

Vizsla Mutt: She’s laying on our bed funny. Do you think she broke her arm?

Dingo Dog: No. She’s not screaming. She’s petting me and telling me I’m a good dog? I’m not good! I scrambled to get out of the way! Why do I feel so guilty?