Crab Cake Extraordinaire

Nice to have an answer to the following questions,

  • “Why can’t I sleep?”
  • “Why the hell should I win the crab cake of the year award for being the most infuriatingly annoying bitch ever?”


  • “Why do I keep smelling dog crap everywhere I go?”

Yes, I know.  The obvious answer are that my head hurts most of the time, I’m post menopause and (other than the fact I live in a dog house and the dogs let me live there) old people are supposed to stink.  But it’s a bit more complicated than that. 

After 4 trips to the dental school, one amazingly patient dental student, several dental faculty and an endodontist, the verdict is…

  • 1 extract has to happen immediately. 
  • 19 fillings are needed in 10 teeth
  • At least 3 teeth require root canals and crowns
  • possibly more extractions
  • I need the deep cleaning from hell
  • etc., etc., etc….

How can one mouth look like the inside of a house riddled by machine gun bullets and smell like a manure pile?

Yes Bob, there is something worse than menopause or Tourette Syndrome.  Gastroparesis–the only medical condition with a diet that includes white bread, hard candy and high fructose corn syrup-laden nutritional supplements. 

Wish I felt up to writing something amazingly witty, but it’s 4am, the dogs are whining at me, and I have to go rinse my mouth out with baking soda.  That’s almost as bad as the impending dental doom.

Crab Cake Extraordinaire, otherwise known as FloridaBorne, is exiting the blog now.