Diary of a fat white dog (with brown spots).



Fat White Dog
Based on actual events but, of course, dogs can’t talk
… or can they. You decide.

4:46 am. My human turned on her side. She must be restless. I’ll breathe in her face to help her sleep. Why is she asking if the toilet overflowed?

5:05am. My human tossed, turned and cried because the sleep fairy called Ibuprofen won’t help her, but now she’s asleep again. What’s that I smell? A small mouse is at the far corner of my territory. I must warn her of the danger! BARK, BARK, AOUOOOOO, BARK BARK. Why did she yell at me to shut up? My feelings are hurt!

11:00am. Leap, leap, jump, jump, whine, whine whine. Oh, goody!!!! My human is taking out the garbage. One of my favorite sports! It’s fun to watch her fall over me when I stop in front of her to pee on a blanket that’s supposed to be drying on the line. Doesn’t she understand it’s my job to mark my territory?

1:43pm. My human yelled at me twice today! She’s yelled at me 3 times this week and for what? Being a dog? If she thinks she’s going to turn me into a human, she’d better think again! It’s beneath me to take a bath, wear clothes and cook!

2:38pm. I was soundly sleeping on a dog bed and she wakes me up for this? She wants me to sit for a damned dog biscuit? Who does she think she is??? Why are the other dogs sitting? I can’t stand it! The chew , chew, chomp, chomp of satisfied teeth crunching into a yummy Milkbone. Okay, I’ll sit, but the second that biscuit is in my mouth, I’m standing!!!!

9:00pm. It’s been a grueling day. No table scraps and only one treat. I don’t care if the food in the perpetually filled dog bowl contains no corn or GMO’s. I want chicken skin, or a month old rotted corpse bone to chew on! I’ll protest tomorrow, after sleeping on this 6 inch queen sized foam pad nicely covered in blankets that mom has put next to her bed for us dogs to sleep on.