When I first signed up on a dating website I was so excited….All those handsome, AVAILABLE men posting their virtues, abilities and enlightened attitudes and waiting for me to bite.Do I swallow the bait, hook line and sinker and wait to spit it out when I catch him scratching his butt crack and picking his nose in public? Do I spend years communicating with all who contact me, WINK at me, or get hoisted forward by the dating service itself? Or do I use my incredibly intuitive deductive, psychic, and reasoning powers and filter before biting?

Well, at first I was so intoxicated by all of it that I responded to anything and everything, I read every word of every profile, and I spent hours comparing this one and that one. However, after about the 300th profile I began to see a pattern emerging (OK, I never said I was the fastest or brightest light on the planet) and I developed what I think is a pretty good filtering system that I incorporated with the DELETE button:Is a Picture REALLY worth 1,000 Words? If so, can you print those words in mixed company?

Men, please make a note: This is your chance to shine, to show yourself at your best, to clean up, spruce up, and give us your best shot, and what happens???

• No photo? DELETE!
• Mr. Muscle Man with no shirt on, hairy chest and pot belly (with or without beer in hand)? DELETE!
• If they LOOK older than 70 no matter how old they say they are – DELETE!
• Profile photo looks 25 but age says 69? Especially if there are older-looking photos behind that one, or it’s the only one. DELETE!
• He’s wearing a black suit, bags under his eyes, and a frown (this is probably a photo taken at his wife’s funeral). DELETE
• His dog takes up more of his main profile photo than he does? (Can’t compete with man’s best friend.) DELETE. However, if there are photos of his dog that are not the MAIN photo, great! I could never get close to a man who doesn’t love animals.
• Photo taken in front of the bathroom mirror with a smart phone? DELETE!
• If they comment on any of my photos with the word ‘Hottie’ – DELETE!
• If they comment on more than two of the photos, no matter what they say about them – DELETE!

If a Picture is Worth 1,000 Words,

How much are WORDS worth?

• One word answers no matter what the question is (extra points if it’s misspelled)? DELETE!
• Words over five letters spelled incorrectly? (What? No SpellCheck on your computer?) DELETE!
• Can’t put a single whole sentence together with its proper punctuation? DELETE!
• Starts every sentence ‘I am/want/like/need? DELETE!
• Too lazy to cap the the noun ‘I’? DELETE!
• If I write and they respond with anything like: “Hey Gorgeous, My membership is expiring in two days, but you are beautiful and am really interested in continuing our communication. Here is my personal email xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx and here’s my phone number. Give me a call and we can meet somewhere tonight.” DELETE!! DELETE!! DELETE!!
• If they send a WINK (the last line of my profile says I won’t respond to WINKS) DELETE!
• If they are older than 70 (I don’t have anything against older men, I just don’t want to lose another husband next year.) – DELETE!
• If they are under 50 and distance is no object (You’d be surprised at the number of gigolos there are out there!) – DELETE!
• Any sign of anger at ANYTHING in the profile write-up? DELETE!
• Have young kids? (I have nothing against children either, but at my age I don’t want to start a young family.) – DELETE!
• Don’t like nature, animals? DELETE!
• He uses the word GOD or LORD or other similar words more than once, especially if combined with ‘dedicated to’? (This is definitely a Man on an Impossible Mission.) DELETE!
• He has not read a book in the last month, or can’t remember the last book he read? (REALLY?) DELETE!
• I don’t understand his profile even though it’s in English? (Lacks communication skills, or is a verbal Picasso.) DELETE!
• He can’t spell, punctuate, or capitalize the noun ‘I’? (He is either illiterate, lazy, or doesn’t care. ) DELETE!
• His profile is less than 4 lines and is boring? (This person has no life and no imagination.) DELETE!
• I fell asleep while reading his profile? (Gag me with a spoon!) DELETE!

All this deleting leaves about three possible companions. Right now I’m emailing a publisher, a writer, and a surprisingly educated horseman who also does construction and says he can repair anything – sounds good to me!!

Interesting aside: The most interesting men seem to drive Harleys. What’s with that??

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