Stupidest Horse in the World


Photo of Tess with ribbons at show

Tess, aka. Princess, With Accumulated Bootie


Let’s start by saying that I LOVE horses. I have loved horses since I first saw one. They are beautiful animals, mostly gentle and kind. They put up with me bouncing around on them willy-nilly as if I know what I’m doing, try to understand and carry out my requests to the best of their ability, and are there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

However, they occasionally do something so stupid that it defies all sense of self preservation and leaves me scratching my head and wondering how such empty-headed creatures ever survived natural culling.

The latest example of extreme horse stupidity comes from one of my homebred show horses–and yes, I admit responsibility for this specific set of genetics and therefore may be in some small part to blame for the level of stupidity of this particular equine.

We’ll call this horse Tess, mostly because that’s her name. Well, Tess has a hatred of all other horses. She obviously was a princess in another life and feels that she should live in a palace that consists of the entire barn. When another horse is in the stall next to her she will spend hours (and all two of her brain cells) trying to devise a way to eliminate the other horse. If she had more than two brain cells she would probably be dangerous to others. As it is, she is merely self-destructive.

Her latest plan consisted of tearing down the wall between her and her stable-mate with her teeth, but she neglected to take the time to check the internet for the strength of oak compared to bone and teeth. This negligence and impatience on her part resulted in a fracture in the center of her upper jaw with half of her teeth folding to the inside. STUPID HORSE!

That had to hurt, but it didn’t slow her down. The result? A further shifting of the teeth and a trip to the equine princess dental surgeon. Naturally, I couldn’t just stick her in the car, so a special equine chariot was called for the momentous occasion. The next day, with teeth wired and concrete casted (yes, they really do that to horses), and a NEW hole in her face where they had to drill to attach the wire, she returned in the same chariot. DOUBLE STUPID HORSE!

Photo of Tess' mouth cast.

Cast holding Tess’ broken upper mouth together

Did you know that, due to the size of a horse, the amount of meds they get is nothing short of monumental? I weigh just over 100 lbs. and get a tiny injection that leaves my arm sore for 3 days. My horse weighs just over 1000 lbs. It takes a 30 cc. twice a day of two different kinds of antibiotics for that much weight. AND I HAVE TO GIVE THE INJECTIONS! ARGH! Not so bad the first three days, but after that even two brain cells rubbing together begin to associate the injections with the soreness.

Close your eyes and imagine this, 100 lbs of me: “Hi Princess! How are you feeling today? I have to stick you with this nice big needle to make you all better! Isn’t that great?” Compared to 1000 lbs of Tess: “THIS IS THE PRINCESS SPEAKING! IF YOU COME WITHIN A MILE OF ME WITH THAT F**KING NEEDLE I WILL KILL YOU AND STOMP THE REMAINS INTO A TINY LITTLE PUDDLE IN THE FLOOR, THEN PISS ON YOU AND PIN THE RESULTING PICTURE TO THE WALL WITH THAT NEEDLE.”

We are currently on Day 5. My advice to anyone who is planning to acquire a horse for any reason whatsoever is: 1) don’t; 2) if you feel that you absolutely must have a horse, get one that weighs less than you and has only 3 legs (this will keep them off-balance enough that you can wrestle them to the ground and tie them up if you ever need to administer medications); 3) if you insist that you need one large enough to carry you around, make sure you have enough in savings to hire a swat team if it needs meds.

By the way, this is the same horse that pulls the automatic water control out of the tank in the field because she likes to play in the resulting pond. When I finally gave up on automatic waterers and put in a regular water tank, she started climbing into it to wash her feet (well, you know, princess’s must have clean pinkies). It’s also the same horse that lives in a stall with so many locking mechanisms that it puts Fort Knox to shame because she figured out how to open the door and gets into the alfalfa. I don’t know why she wants to eat more, she’s so fat that people regularly ask me when the foal is due. And NO, she is NOT PREGNANT, but thank you for asking!

My conclusion is that sometimes horses cost a lot more than they are worth and are a lot of trouble. Other times I couldn’t imagine life without them. So…..who’s really the stupid one here?